A for Effort, F for Creativity

Most of us start off our morning reading the news. Sadly, it is more often the Facebook News feed rather than Wall Street Journal. I'm not knocking Facebook. It has a valid social purpose and it's ability to allow me to stay connected to people is great. But it's the abuse of info that has us all bogged down. I know for each of you it's different, but we all have that topic (or topics) that we are so sick of seeing on status updates:
"Become my friend in Farmville"
"Jane Smith changed her relationship status to 'it's complicated'"
"Let me post a million youtube videos"
"I'm going to tell you how amazing you are, husband/boyfriend (etc) even though you're sitting right next to me"

Yes the list goes on and on. What I want to touch on is a lesser known offender: The Grade Grubber. Sorry if that's a harsh term but it has to be said. If you take the time to click to my profile and pull out your glasses, you can read the little lettering that tells you that not only did I pass my classes, I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree. I have worked a multitude of jobs and I'm currently working in my field of study. That's it, that's all it says.  It doesn't tell you what lists I made, awards I won, honor societies I was in, etc. Maybe someday it will allow for that (maybe it already does) but I really could care less. It's a Facebook Profile, not my resume. This is not Linked In. Yes, there are plenty of businesses that search your Facebook when receiving your resume but that doesn't mean you should confuse the two. What I'm trying to say, bluntly, is the constant barraging of your grades (be it quiz, test, EOC, or final grade) all over my news feed has got to stop. It is all out madness.

I highly value education and of course I'm happy to hear my friends are doing well, but what they fail to realize is it's just a number/letter and it's a blip in the real world. I don't mean to sound jaded, but it's one of those things that everyone focuses on while forgetting the content they actually memorized to achieve that grade. First of all, constantly posting your grades makes people appear more arrogant than smart; maybe even a little egotistical. I do not use my FB status to let the world know every time I achieve a project at work. "Created a new CRM today and my boss gave me an A+ for it." First of all, you don't get grades at work and often you get little recognition at all. That doesn't mean what you do isn't important or valued. The focus should be on the work and not one person's evaluation on it. What I would love is if everyone would stop telling me they got a 98 or a B+ and instead taught something they learned in that corresponding class. We would all be a lot better off if we spent our time learning, not just reading a report card with our morning coffee....

Or better yet, just pick up the New York Times.

A Couple of Fairy Tales

Sorry, I know I talk about love and movies a lot so if you're sick of that go ahead and stop reading now.

no....seriously....lol

Romeo & Juliet were 16 year old lovers who barely knew each other and yet their story is considered one of the most famous (and tragic) love stories.
The same concept can be seen all through (Disney) fairy tales:

In The Little Mermaid, Ariel has fins while her Prince has legs. They aren't even technically the same species, right? If this was non-fiction, can you imagine all of the racial tension their would be? Prince Eric's friends would be making fun of Ariel with prejudice jokes and slurs.

Belle (Beauty and the Beast) is a sweet but spunky french girl while her Prince is spoiled, selfish, and unkind. Oh, and did I mention, he's a Beast (literally) and has serious anger management issues. In the real world, Belle's friends would be telling her that she was in an abusive relationship, not to mention Stockholm Syndrome, and she had to leave his hairy ass.

Then there's Aladdin, the tried and true story of two lovers from different sides of the tracks. You have the poor, thieving, "Street Rat" who falls for a wealthy, privileged, sheltered Princess. Is it romantic when I guy steals an apple for a girl? I bet her friends are all seeing the bad boy attraction but warning her that he's a free loader who will probably get her pregnant and bail or end up in jail.

But still, we root and pray that with time, effort, and a little bit of magic, these couples will be able to overcome their differences. Why do we care so much? Because we are taught to believe that these two people are meant to be together. Love doesn't care how you look, what you're interested in, or where you came from. Love is a magical force that is deeper than all those things. Love conquers all.

So should we ignore these lessons because they come from "childhood" fairy tales? Or stop and take a moment to look and see how many times those fictional stories were happening around us. So What do we do? Believe in the fantasy of a happy ending or become cynics and run away from something cause it's not going perfect. All I know is that nothing in my life has ever gone perfect and my love life life could probably fit into a million Brother's Grimm Tales. Well I chose to believe that maybe these writers didn't haven't so far off. That true love can conquer all. I don't think this based on fact or experience, but because I'd rather live in a world of hope than one of hopelessness. There's always a darkness before the storm, just, unlike the books, you have to figure out on your own when the storm is really over. You can't cheat and count how many pages until the end. Sleep well, Readers!

"Flattery Will Get You Everywhere"

I don't care if you're 18 or 80, we all like to be flirted with. Flirting boosts our self-esteem. It makes us feel desirable and sexy. Self-esteem leads to a more confident and happy individual.*  Remember how you felt at the beginning of your last/current relationship? The way your heart would beat a little faster? That ear to ear grin that was plastered on your face? The random giggles that no one else understood? The simple feeling of being wanted? We all know that's a great time but we can't always be at that stage. Although, when done correctly, flirting can give you most of those benefits without the games or possible heartbreak.

Another benefit to flirting is that it is often a substitution for joking. Jokes tend to illicit negative remarks. Although not meant to be taken seriously, it can still leave the subject feeling a little down. On the other hand, flirtation leaves the subject feeling sexy, smart, and or well liked. There is nothing negative there.

Studies show that men with higher levels of testosterone (sex drive) are 20% better with "verbal fluency." I could give you some similar study about women but I will be honest I couldn't find one. Then again, do you know how difficult it is to find a serious research case when using the search string: "women, sexual arousal, better, happier."I'm sure there are plenty of legitimate studies illustrating the health benefits created when women are aroused.

My assertion is that by flirting, you are actually doing something positive and helpful for not only you but someone else.

This is not to say there aren't scenarios where innocent flirtation is not acceptable but if you follow these rules, flirtation can be a harmless, self strengthening tool.

The Rules

1. Make sure there are no other parties involved, e.g., spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends. If flirtation initiates reasonable jealousy from a 3rd party, you will only end up with more drama and even feelings of guilt or immorality.
   
2. Don't flirt with anyone who is clingy, co-dependant, or might have pre-established feelings for you. In this scenario, you are just adding lighter fluid to the fire. Unless you are a bitch, a control freak, or a sadist, you will find yourself with more than you bargained for. On the flip side, do not attempt flirting if you yourself are clingy, co-dependant, or have or may in the future have feelings for the subject. That road no longer falls under the blanket of harmless, innocent flirting. If you do not divert yourself from this path, you will most likely end up arriving at the Heartbreak Hotel.
   
3. Don't flirt with authority figures, e.g., teacher, boss, or police officer. This can get you into real trouble that can have serious and lasting consequences. Some people get a rush from such a risky situation. but most often the benefits do not out way the costs.
   
4. Probably the most obvious rule is to watch for signs that your flirting is unwanted, especially in the work place. Sexual harassment is a serious thing and you should never cross over the boundary that makes someone feel uncomfortable. 

By following those few simple rules, you will find flirting to be a wonderful way to brighten both your day and the day of others. By following the rules, flirtation creates no victims, only winners. Let's be honest, who doesn't love to be complimented? A touch, a look, or a word can be enough to make someone smile inside and out. Personally, I love to flirt. It makes me feel young and vibrant and if the subject flirts back, it's a bonus. Does that mean I follow every rule to a T? Of course not, but that doesn't mean they aren't great guidelines to follow.

Like Edgar, King of Figaro once said, "flattery will get you everywhere." Try it, you might be surprised at the results.

*on a side note, it is important to note that self-esteem cannot come entirely from others. most of it must come from within. If your self worth is riding on the praise from others, you will never be happy. That being sad, there is nothing wrong with people's compliments giving you a boost in the right direction.

Three Little Words

Three little words...no, not "I love you." Friends with Benefits. Can such a concept really exist? I may not be the most versed in sexual experiences, but I have been around the block a time or two. Show of hands, how many of you have accomplished a Friends With Benefits situation successfully? Not as many people as you think just waved their hands in the air...like they just don't care.

There is one main reason people always blame for the lack of viability in Friends with Benefits: Attachment

Attachment

Humans are emotional creatures. Females more so than males, but either way sex is an emotional experience. There's the body issues of the self conscious. There's the worry of not pleasing your partner or worse, being flat out bad at it. The fear that what you find kinky, they find scary. The list goes on. Point being, despite what anyone says, sex is always awkward and confusing to some degree. When you take off your clothes (or at least some of them) to have sex, you are metaphorically shedding a piece of your wall.  You are putting your guard down and exposing a small weak spot. It's inevitable. It's impossible not to. And no mater how small that crack in the wall is, there's always that chance you get shot. That is, shot with the arrow of attachment. Once again, it's more common with women than with men, but it does swing both ways. Trust me, I've seen plenty of guys fall hard after sleeping with a Man Eater. Guy or girl, it's easy to tell ourselves not to care. What's difficult is actually making our emotions do what we tell them. Once you're shot, there is NO going back. You're poisoned with the need to be with that person on some level more than just primal. Sorry, no doctor can cure that ailment.

But Attachment is not the only reason Friends with Benefits fail. There's always the need to be territorial.

Territory

While attachment falls under "Love/Belonging Needs" in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, Territory falls under "Safety Needs." We may be a civilized race, but that doesn't mean we're not still animals. Homo sapiens to be exact. Many animals, such as dogs, feel the need to mark their territory. A mutt doesn't pee on a hydrant because of an emotional attachment. It is merely staking it's claim to make sure others know it's been there. While many people IN relationships suffer from this issue, it manifests itself in a slightly different way for Friends with Benefits. While not present in all Friends with Benefit scenarios, the worry of other people getting involved with your "friend" is a common concern. It could be the number of others they are sleeping with that worries you for your own health and safety. It could be the awkwardness of them sleeping with a friend or coworker you have to see everyday. While the ground rules may allow for an open arrangement, it doesn't mean one party will not get livid if the other sleeps with their enemy. The basic instinct is to protect your surroundings. When the "friend" strays from the guild lines, it may make the other fearful because they are no longer in control of the situation. Humans enjoy the safety of their car, their home, their bed, etc. While many think Friends with Benefits is a safer alternative to dating, it is in fact more unstable due to its amorphous nature.

The bottom rung of Maslow's triangle is "Psychological Needs." These are what I like to call primal needs. Maslow describes this as anything that is a literal requirement for human survival. While eating, breathing, or sleeping are what most people think of as "Psychological Needs" I assert that sex, ere go procreation, is a requirement for the survival of the human race. Sex is a primal instinct. You remember what Cole Porter taught us: birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. So when two individuals engage in a Friends with Benefits situation, it is often to simply fill their subconscious need to mate. So how will this contaminate the success of this no strings attached setup? Well its in the title: Friends

Friends?


There is one major component to Friends with Benefits that is not present in agreements like "F@$% Buddies" or "Booty Calls." The people are friends. It sounds simple and obvious, but it's actually a very important part that is often overlooked. There's always the worry of breaking up a friendship that can ruin any Friends with Benefits. But more subtle, there's the self analysis that makes one discover: "are we really friends??" At first I thought this was the perfect solution to the aforementioned problems. If you're not really friends, then there's no worry of getting attached. I mean, who would get attached to someone they don't even like. This way, it's only about the primal need to get laid. It seemed like the perfect loophole. Until you realize the fatal flaw. You can't be Friends with Benefits without being friends. Then all you're left with are the benefits. This ironically become messy because without the friendship element, communication is difficult. Setting ground rules and having mutual understandings tend to get thrown to the wayside. While some "go with the flow" personalty type may be able to thrive in that situation, the average person will find it difficult. As if the actual sex isn't awkward and confusing enough, having the arrangement be awkward is simply unsustainable for most people. Think how difficult it would be to solicit someone you don't even like for sex. Try talking to them about STD tests. Try talking to them about anything. It's as painful as pulling teeth. Trust me, even if it's good in the bedroom, it's the getting from the living room to the bedroom that's the deal breaker.

So what's my conclusion to all of this. I honestly don't know. As I've gotten older I've realized the more casual the sex, the more maturity is needed. I'd like to think by my age we all all mature enough to handle such a complex arrangement but I'm quickly realizing that's not true. Friends with Benefits are not for the weak. So maybe it's a game where there are no winners. Then again, you know what they say: if at first you don't succeed...

Romantic (lead) Roles

I have a huge passion for movies and I love to review everything I see. And yet I realized that I haven't ever written a blog talking about movies. Mainly, that's because my blog is for wide range issues, not specific movie critiques. But I was re-watching the movie Loser the other day when it hit me: Romantic Comedies; also known as Rom-Coms, more importantly, also referred to as Chick Flicks. Love them or hate them, they are love stories that many girls fall in love with. Let me preface this by saying I know there are men who enjoy these movies, and there is nothing wrong with that, but for the purpose of my discussion, I am only going to discuss the (fairer) sex with the higher demographic. Woman love romance, duh. Nothing new there. But as I watched Loser a pattern stuck out so strongly I can't believe I've never noticed it before. In so many of these movies, the lead male spends the entire film being noble and trying to win the love of the lead female. The lead female, on the other hand, gets to spend the movie wavering, being flighty, and sometimes even seeing other men.

Classic Examples:

The Notebook
A film often named when asked for the title of a chick flick. Not a film I much enjoyed, but I watched it none the less. From what I remember, Ryan Gosling spends the entire movie not giving up on the love of his life, Rachel McAdams. And yet, somehow she gets to be engaged and spend her life trying to decide what future she really wants. What a luxury for her.

Notting Hill / Runaway Bride
So I know these are two separate movies, but since they are both Rom-Coms with Julia Roberts from 1999, I'm going to lump them together. In Notting Hill, Roberts gets to be the rich, famous, glamorous movie star and yet she still pushes Hugh Grant away. In Runaway Bride she gets to be engaged four times and then still runs from the only guy that's been supporting her, Richard Geer. I wish I had that many men calling on me with proposals.

While You Were Sleeping
I'm not going to lie, this is one of my favorites in the genre. But, alas, I must pick it apart like all the others. Sandra Bullock falls in love with a man, Peter Gallagher, shes never really met, but sees everyday at the train station (can we say flighty?) She then spends most of the movie lying that she is the finance of Gallagher, who is now in a coma. While his family accepts her, his brother, Bill Pullman, falls for her but is noble in trying to keep his distance. He truly cares for her while she is lusting for a man she doesn't even know. Any woman who gets in good with a family that has two hansom sons should be thanking her lucky stars.

But there are exceptions to this rule, and thank heavens for that. Look at Meg Ryan's classics for a minute: When Harry Met Sally, You've Got Mail, Sleepless In Seattle. All these movies place the male and female leads as equals. They are both good and bad, each flawed in their own way.

I think maybe the most interesting movie to look at is one of the most classic romantic films in Hollywood: Casablanca. So maybe Casablanca is unfair to analyze because it is not a comedy like the other films were, but I think it's still worth a quick note. Throughout the movie, viewers are forced to wonder the true intentions and feelings of both Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. This can make it appear that they are both equal in their games and roles in the relationship. But it cannot be excluded that, in the end, Bogart does the honorable thing by letting Bergman go. The fact that he sacrifices to do what's best for her, doesn't truely make this movie an exception to my thesis.

So is this what makes women happy? To watch movies where they get to do whatever they want while the men stay devoted and chaste? I guess you could say that is feminism, but I think it's a load of bollocks (as Hugh Grant would say). If we want to watch films about powerful young women, that's fine, but if we want to see a love story, the roles should be equal. It is sexist for us to think we deserve to get away with more in a relationship, even if it's just in our fantasies. Plus, lets be honest: nice guys finsish last and if most women met a guy like the ones in Chick Flicks they'd probably leave him for a guy you'd see in an Action Flick. You know the one's I'm talking about.
Hollywood films don't have to be real, but they should at least make us look inward at ourselves. Art imitates life and life imitates art and that scares me. So think twice before you get all worked up over that Romantic Comedy movie with the sweet, wonderful guy. Or not, and go find you a action star boyfriend. It's up to you.

V-Day is for Virgins, Kindness is for Kooks

As a single girl (not by choice), I should be annoyed by the approaching holiday celebrating some martyred saints no one knows much about. Honestly, I could really care less about it anymore. When I was younger and more innocent, I spent Valentine's Day after Valentine's Day with high hopes. I was always in serious relationships and I expected some sort of romantic gesture from my suitor. In the end, I was lucky if I got flowers and maybe a less than desirable meal. Now, I'm just happy that the pressure is off and that I can  expect nothing from February 14th except a busy day at work. But this blog isn't really about Valentine's Day. It should be titled:

Random Acts of Kindness 
Being a nice person will get you walked all over...


.....Oh, I'm sorry you wanted more? I thought the title + subtitle was self explanatory, but I will elaborate. My Best Friend Stephen says you have to accept the consequences of your actions. If you want to do something nice, you have to be ok with the possible result that no one will say thank you. If you've read my last blog, you know that I'm pretty accustom to hearing only the negative complaint instead of the positive phrase. But what if it's more than that?

So you spend your time and money making food for your co workers to boost moral and no one verbally appreciates it; not a big deal. Honestly, I know better than to expect a thank you; it's so much more than that. Everyday I experience that not only is my kindness not recognized, but used as an Achilles' Heel to take me down to others' unhappy level. People see caring as an emotion, and society tells us emotional people are weak. Just like a predator will pray on the frail, these sad people use the caring as their punching bags. They see our heart's exposed and shoot it with a black arrow, piercing us just like Bard kills Smaug. **ya I just pulled out The Hobbit reference** 
It's hard enough to not be rewarded for being nice, but to be punished is just incomprehensible. What kind of world do will we live in if the good are hunted by the cold-hearted? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe you will read this and leave me comments of the glorious appreciations you have received for being a charitable person. I really hope you do. All I know is I see the people who never look up to give someone the time of day and they rarely get attacked. Survival of the fittest. Sometimes the best way to survive is keeping your head down and talking to no one. But let's be honest, a leopard can't change it's spots and I can't stop being nice to people. So at least I can admit I have a target on my back and a huge arrow pointing me out to all those that need an easy mark. Go ahead, take your shot. Honestly, you can't say anything mean about me that I haven't already thought of myself. Maybe the best kindness I can give is allowing others a person to displace their anger on. I'll see you tomorrow, I'll be the one with the exposed left breast. Don't get the reference? Look it up!

Positive Thought

This may be a little pessimistic but I'm starting to seriously wonder about the concept of  the power of positive thought. When I was younger (only a short time ago, actually) I honestly believed in the idea that if you sent out positive energy you would receive it in return. Okay, so I now see how silly it sounds when I write it down, but I challenge you to think if you've ever felt that thinking positive would acquire a better result. It's not such a hard idea to subscribe to. I mean, many people (including myself) believe in Karma; the idea that our actions will cause a ripple effect and come back to us ten fold. So the idea that we could do that with brain waves isn't that crazy of a concept. Or is it?

Tonight I was angry because I felt like karma was on vacation. I had done multiple good deeds, gone above and beyond my job, and yet when I needed someone to help me, no one was there. I was angry; oh you can only imagine how angry. So someone insisted that I think positive. That by not worrying about the problem so much, and "visualizing what I wanted" things would solve themselves. Well tonight, I called shenanigans on that in a heartbeat. I was upset and fed up with the false promises of thinking positive. I mean, even the person who recommended this therapy was guilty of blowing up when things weren't going well. What happen to positive thought, Missy? And then, it really dawned on me. It's as simple as the classic phrase: the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

No one likes a complainer, a whiner, or a Debbie Downer. What's important is to look at how people deal with them. I don't know about you, but in my 25+ years of my experience I have most often seen people take the same approach: shit them up. It's like a child causing a tantrum in public. the parents find it easier to give in than to hold out. So if the people who are doing nothing and still complain get special treatment then what happens to those who stay quite and do their job. Obviously you guessed it, they get screwed. You asked for a real world example? Okay here's one: a girl complains that she can't stay at work till close because the weather is bad and she is afraid of getting home safely.  Her request is indulged because she is vocal about it. Then in turn, her loyal coworkers are forced to pick up the slack. After she is off work, she decides, last minute, to go out to drink with her co-workers, disproving her claim of worry about getting home safely.

Okay, so you may think I'm getting off topic with this, so let me bring it all together. The people who quietly think positively about their future get forgotten about, while the people that negatively vocalize their opinions get taken care of. After experiencing this time and time again, I seriously ask supporters of the "positive thought" to come show me how that can really work.

And trust me, I'm positive about this....er.....i mean negative about this. Wow, this is tricky.