Denial is not just a river in Africa

PREFACE: This blog is an investigation on applying factors of coping with death to factors of coping with loss. It is a little lengthy and very anecdotal, but I felt it was necessary to make a proper comparison. Please realize this before choosing to read. Thanks!

Death is a widely studied subject. Even my (stupid) college had a class on the subject ("Death as a Fact of Life"). Whether you learned it in psychology or religion class, the Stages of Grief are pretty standard: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. When dealing with a loss, I believe we go through these stages, although not necessarily in a simple, linear order. Also, I am NOT using the word loss as a synonym for death. Please make note of that fact.

I lost someone who knows how many days, months, years ago. My (ex) best friend and I always had a rocky, fair weather friendship. It got worse about 4 years ago when his girlfriend convinced him "being friends with a girl is wrong." We didn't speak for 6 months. This is where Stage 3: Bargaining comes into play. I called him right before I left for NYC. I told him I was willing to put aside everything because I wanted us to make up before I moved. Then again, bargains only work when both parties make good on their share.

Things went from awkward to good to quiet and so on for a while, but I guess there's always a calm before the storm. A year ago, he started displaying erratic behavior: excessive drinking, drugs, and partying. Rather than accept this new lifestyle of his, I chose to participate in Stage 1: Denial. I refused to believe it was really him and told myself it was just a stage his current (new) girlfriend was imposing on him. After another missed birthday (mine) and a "he said, she said" accusation on his part, I went into Stage 2: Anger. I screamed at him for the first time and told him where he could shove it. Obviously, we didn't speak again for 4 months.

I went to some therapy which made me really miss him so I tried to reconnect, this time there was no bargaining. Instead we just sort of denied the whole fight happened and went on like normal. That worked for less than a week before I realized denial really doesn't work. Soon he was back to his old ways of never calling me back and putting everyone (and their dog) over me. A quick bout of anger led into Stage 4: a long string of depression over the matter. But since I obviously don't learn, 7 months later I was back to Stage 3. I was so deep into Stage 4 I was willing to bargain my pride, morals, and soul just to have him back in my life. Unfortunately, a trade was impossibly because I had nothing of value to him [that is, nothing except seeing me in pain or dead, but that's another story].

It's been a couple months now and I'm trying to take steps toward Stage 5: Acceptance. But every time I think I am succeeding, I run across something that so strongly reminds me of him. Oddly enough, the feeling I got the other day from reliving the memory of the Met could not be found in any of these "Stages of Grief." A sadness, for sure, but not depression. If only you could imagine how it feels to miss someone like they're dead when they haven't really gone. Sometimes I tell myself he is dead, and that makes it somewhat easier. Maybe he really did die that Thanksgiving weekend. Maybe the only way to reach acceptance is to fully realize the boy I knew is gone and he is never coming back. That's not as easy to do when he's not really dead.

A quandary for thought.

If you can count, maybe you should have stopped at 10

So I was watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8" today (because I think Kate is so fricken weird and she cracks me up!) and after it's over this show "18 Kids and Counting" comes on. Well my first thought is "in this overpopulated world, where our carbon footprints are getting larger everyday, why the hell would you have 18 kids?" So, I figured I had to watch a bit of the show to see the gimmick. I mean, maybe they were all adopted which would be really sweet. Guess what? They're not. So this family (the Duggars) have 18 children ALL with the same first letter of their first name; Role Call: Joshua, Jana and John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah and Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace. So, in case the names like Jedidiah or Josiah didn't give it away, The Duggars are very conservative baptists. They believe in the Quiverfull Movement (yes it has a name) which states that you should not use any birth control and "allow God to determine the number of children you will have." These Arkansas parents, Michelle and Jim Bob, teach their 18 kids at home which promotes a horrible stigma about home schoolers. It portrays homeschool families as ignorant, very religious, and hicks. As you can imagine, this is something that quickly gets under my skin.

So if you're not too horrified to keep reading, let me discuss their lifestyle. All the children's Internet usage is heavily monitored, which may be more about control than than about safety. How can the kids learn about freedom when they aren't given any? But wait, it gets better, or worse in this case. As you would assume, the children are not allowed to date in the normal definition of the word. Instead, they go through what they call "courtship." Not only are they not allowed to even kiss before marriage, but they must have a chaperon for every meeting (even if they are adults).

Now don't get me wrong. I believe in the phrase "to each his own" and feel that Michelle and Jim Bob should live however they want. What worries me is the lack of "real world" experiences these children are receiving. I mean, you can lock a puppy up in a cage so he will never pee on the rug or get fleas, but is that really letting him live at all? When children are brought up in such an environment, they are not able to relize the lack of freedom they have. I wont go as far as to say it's brain washing, but I think it is a milder version. If a child is conditioned to be told everything they can do and not do, they don't know they are missing out on the choice. Hearing about courtships and marriages only approved by the dad, I'm reminded of "A Handmaiden's Tail." Have these families gone back in time or have they just never progressed? I completely understand living and raising your family based on religious based morals but does that require them to shelter their kids? What I don't understand is if they teach their children religion, why don't they trust them to use it to make their own decisions, such as marriage? If you trust God to decide how many children you will have, why does the child need permission to date someone from their Dad rather than the Heavenly Father? Seems like a hypocrisy to me.

Well, my head is spinning too much to write anymore so I am going to go lie down. Just talking about 18 children has worn me out.

Hipocrisy-a Real Soon

Hypocrisy: the act of being less critical of oneself than of others.

We all do it, but to what extent? Lately I've been thinking a lot about this topic. I apologize in advance (and give fair warning) this blog is more personal and less pop-culture than normal. Hmm..now where to start...

It was a dark and stormy night...no no
Once upon a time....not even close

Well then, lets start at the beginning. I have a history of being disappointed by people. Maybe it's because I think too much of them, maybe they don't live up to their potential, who knows. That's a whole other blog (been there, done that). My point is, I like to think I see the best possible person in people and, for better or worse, get brutally let down when they don't live up to my expectations.

I grew up with two brothers. I now only have one. Oh no, don't start sending me flowers in sympathy, the other one's not dead. He's just no longer in my life. This is because I have standards. I refuse to put up with people who live in their own head and only think about themselves. Now, don't get me wrong, I've given him time to grow and change; unfortunately, he thinks he's fine the way he is. In fact, my nickname for him is the prodigal son. This comes from the Biblical story illustrating how one son is forgiven no matter how horrible he is and is considered equal to the always loyal son. In case you're not getting it, you can guess who always identified with the "loyal son."

But this blog is not about my feelings toward the "Prodigal Son." What it is about is the continuous forgiveness no matter the trespasses. One of the only things I resent about my wonderful father is that he was always so quick to forgive him no matter how cruel his actions. I understood unconditional love, but not the concept of always "letting things slide." Or, at least I thought I didn't understand it. After much further investigation of myself, I have realized I am just as guilty as my father. Like father, like daughter.

My best friend in high school was my rock. He was the only one who understood me. Over the years..well..I guess life got in the way. I take that back..girls got in the way. "When Harry met Sally" poses the quintessential question: can men and women be friends? I've always said yes, but I have learned why it is so hard. But I digress...

It's been at least 4 years of this rocky "friendship" we have endured and every time it is his own actions that keep us from talking (oh my would he be steamed if he read me saying that..lol). But no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how unfair he is to me, I always reach back out to him. I always forgive his trespasses in a heartbeat (no pun intended) because I care about him with every fiber of my body. I forget how he made me feel for the last 6+ months and I welcome him with open arms. And yet, when my dad does this to my brother, I yell at him. Talk about hypocrisy.

So what's the moral of the story? Well it would be easy to say it's not to judge without looking first at yourself. Yet, I don't think it's that simple. We all have our crosses to bare but perhaps we all carry the same cross. What makes sense to one person may seem absurd to someone else. All I ask from my readers now is to find the similarity in others, rather than your differences.

"If only she knew..."

Resume the Position

OMG so my account says I haven't blogged since March 20th. That was just too long ago. Sorry to be out of things but I do have one small (lame) excuse: my computer is broken (hopefully only the charger) and so I have no Internet/MS Word access at my house right now. It's a lame excuse cause I could have just written the blog down with pen and paper ("what's that?") and then typed it up on a friend's computer or something. But hey, Earth Day is coming up so I'm going to stay green and not kill trees just to blog. LOL

Okay, now on to this week's serious point....

Every summer my job highers interns (this year unpaid interns). Last week my boss gave the department a copy of all the résumés and cover letters (electronically of course..no trees killed I promise) and asked us to evaluate the candidates. I have found this to be one of the most frustrating tasks I have had in a long time. Sadly, this is not because everyone is so great it's impossible to choose. It's not just that the applications are less than par. People illustrate the most idiotic things on their résumé and then expect to get hired. Lets go to the examples:

One person wrote this as their first two sentences of their cover letter:
"As a firm believer in the restorative power of the arts, I realize how artistic expression can be a vehicle for social justice. Therefore, I want to spend my life creating and facilitating an environment for theatre to flourish."
Do they realize this is an application for a Customer Service internship not an argumentative essay on the importance of music in school? Did they teach you the concept of over elevated language at your private college? *sigh*

I understand that I work for a performing arts organization but I seriously think these people do not read the description of the job they are applying to. If I have to read one more cover letter about "my love of performing, organizing shows, programming events...etc" I'm going to scream. Obviously, these people have no idea what customer service really means. But perhaps this is because they have no customer service experience. Oh no, wait, it gets better; Many of these people have no work experience AT ALL! One girl succeeded her cover letter with a piece of paper with the heading "Resume" (under her contact info) followed by a 1 & 1/2 page list of her vocal repertoire. That was it. No job history, no skills; just that she sang Puccini's "O mio babbino caro" and played "Maggie" in her high school production of "A Chorus Line." Genius!

Now this is what frustrates me more than anything else in the world. So many children go through high school and college without ever getting one ounce of job experience under their belt. They spend their school semesters and Summers partying or going abroad while ignoring the persevering work force. I know it's an unpaid internship but I refuse to let it slide that you've spent 4 years of high school and at least half of your time in college and never once held a job or even volunteered. A good employer wants people who can multitask and carry a lot on your plate at once. If you can't handle 15 credit hours of school AND a part time job than maybe you're not cut out to handle 5 customers screaming at you at once each about various unforeseen problems.

In this bad economy, the job market is more competitive than ever. Consequently, this means you have to work that much harder to make your résumé/cover letter picture perfect. I can't stand seeing 2 page résumés, cover letters with excessive/unnecessary commas, that useless "objective," and poorly written sentences like "...because I strongly feel to always support the arts." Please don't tell me you have a "career aspiration" of Art Administrations and yet you are a sophomore majoring in Architecture. As robots say "this does not compute."

They say your résumé is your calling card. If this is true, don't expect to get a call from me anytime soon. I think your application made my head explode. I'm going to take a Tylenol, I have a headache.

Are you feeling blue?

Remember last year when everywhere we looked we saw Obama posters/buttons reiterating his policy for change? Well my "hope" for change has taken a fast break down the lane and out of the stadium. That's right, our President of the United States of America has once again put all his backing into the University of North Carolina (at Chapel Hill) to win the NCAA tournament. According to my research he's picked them a lot and obviously must be a fan. Seriously, Barack? The Tarheels? For someone who spent months preaching change he sure is quick to jump on the bandwagon. I mean, the Tarheels are the college basketball equivalent to the MLB New York Yankees. You have these teams who have followings across the country. But these "fans" often only know the star(s) of the team an little else.

To make the whole situation more hysterical, our President is quoted by the Associated Press for saying: "Here's what I like about Carolina: experience and balance." I'm sorry, but wasn't Obama's biggest weakness in the primaries that he had less experience as competitor Hillary Clinton? Did he or did he not convince us that change and new ideas were more important than experience and predictability? So what message does it send us when the man who focused his campaign on revolutionary ideas turns and backs the predictable favorite?

Okay sure, I should be getting mad at our president for his political policies, not his basketball picks. But I bet if you surveyed the country you would find that more Americans know Obama's pick for NCAA winner than his latest foreign policy. Sad, but most likely true. So maybe Obama should realize that even his backing for a sports team can have a profound effect on the way people see him. I know it has changed my view of him. Just food for thought.

Good luck watching your Baracket fall apart, Obama...lol
See his picks for yourself

***NOTE****
This blog's text is purposely dark blue to be pro Duke & UConn!! Who likes light blue anyways??

How Are You?

*thanks to Chuck F. for inspiring this blog*

How many times have you had people start off conversations with "How are you doing today?" Maybe you even use this phrase yourself? Now I want you to stop and think about the last time someone said this to you. Was it your boss, your fellow student, or the girl behind the deli counter? How many of these times did you answer "good" or "fine" or something like that? In fact, most often, people are not even using it to start a conversation but merely as a greeting; a replacement for the traditional "Hi." How sadistic is it that we ask people how they are doing when in actuality we honestly do not really care about their answer. Have you ever noticed how people react when you answer "horrible," "atrocious" or "dismal?" They freeze and it takes them a minute to respond. That is because people are so conditioned to reenact the usual routine of "How are you?" "Fine, and you?" "Good" "Later" "Bye." Obviously I am not talking about your good friends who really care about you. I'm talking about those people you encounter daily who, like the rest of us, are too caught up in their daily lives to really care but feel society expects them to ask others how they are feeling.
Seriously? Can we really not come up with a less fake way of communicating. No more of this "how are you" or "what's up." Everyday I see my boss and he says "how are you?" and I want to scream at him: "horrible because I am broke and about to be evicted from my apartment because you cut all my hours you jerk!" Obviously I refrain from saying this because a) I would be fired & b) I know he really cares nothing about my situation. So from now on my new plan is to combat people by answering the infamous question with the most random and crazy answers that it will make them think twice before asking it again, at least to me. I am perfectly happy with a simple hello from you, please keep your fake interest of me to yourself. Tell me how you feel about that..I honestly want to know!

No Matter What A Stripper Tells You....

...you should never believe it because she's just trying to get your money! LOL

This comes from a old FB blog I wrote last year but it's still relevant so I decided it should be posted here. For those of you who do not remember Chris Rock's song No Sex (in The Champagne Room), there is a line that states:

"If you've been dating a man for four months/ and you haven't met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend!"

This, besides being one of my favorite lines, inspired me to think of an more up-to-date version of this concept. The song was written in 1999 so obviously it is a little outdated. Today we have an abundance of new technology and trends that make '99 look like the '50's. We all know that one of the biggest trends is Facebook itself. With the internet, we are so far removed from others and yet we are still able to stay "connected" via the web. Therefore, meeting a guy's friends may not happen as often because many friends don't leave there houses, they just play MMOG games over the internet. So, more important than meeting his/her friends is how you are portrayed on their Facebook page: the place that defines them to the whole entire world. Therefore, in the spirit of Facebook I would like to amend the previous lyrics.

"If you've been dating a man/woman for four months and you are not in his/her profile picture, you are NOT his/her significant other."

[As you can see, I am up with the times and equal opportunity so I used all pronouns to allow for all combinations of relationships (male/female, female/female..ect).]

Cause seriously, kids. If we're "dating" and I have a cute photo of the two of us together looking cheesy and you're profile pic is of you high with a bottle of Jack glued to your hand or some "come get me" half naked photo then I am in NO WAY your girlfriend.
Just clearing that up.

*DISCLAIMER* please be aware that this note is written as a joke and a satire and is NOT meant to offend anyone. I deeply apologize if I did, that was not my intentions. Just thought we could all use a laugh by listening to the crazy shit that runs through my brain. Thank you and goodnight!