Blog from last night...

Perhaps I am out of the loop like always. Maybe I just think differently than most people my age. But once again I do not get the newest [facebook status] craze: Texts From Last Night. In case you're not aware, they are the sentences with an area code in front of them. The website is http://www.textsfromlastnight.com and after realizing this, I went to the site to see what it was all about. I perused the "about" section and still didn't understand.. Let me quote what it says on Wikipedia:

Texts From Last Night (TFLN) is a regularly updated blog that re-posts short text messages submitted by its users. The texts are sent in by people who wake in the morning "to find regrettable messages sent to or from their mobile phones." The receiver then sends the discovered text into the website.

This concept is not only clear but actually sounds humorous. I know we have all found drunken text messages that make no sense and, along with massive misspellings, are quite hilarious.  The issue I have comes from when I read the texts posted on the website. Here are some random examples:

 (703): Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend  

 (201): its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin.. 

 (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. 

Although the texts may be clever, they resemble a tweet more than a drunken text message. Nothing about these texts fits the category of "regrettable" as stated in the description of the site. Instead, they sound like sober antidotes thought up the next day. Is this nothing more than a less depressing regurgitation of FML? And, like FML I don't understand why people "repost" these TFLN as their statuses instead of writing their own.

Maybe I'm just pissed because I was really looking forward to what they advertise: reading drunken text messages from people who are too sloshed to even pick up their phone, let alone type out words. Even better, let's create a site where we include drunken voice mails. We all know that would be hilarious. All I'm saying is that I don't get the gimmick for sites like FML and TFLN and cannot see how they differ at all from sites like Twitter.

Someone wake me up when the next craze is at least original. FML!

***Just thought I would add this on to my blog. If you are looking for a great site that actually posts funny and real internet failures, check out http://facebookfails.com/ you'll love it!***

A is for Addiction

A is for addiction, B is for bulimia, C is for cutting, D is for drinking, E is for....

Everyday we are bogged down by the idea of millions of diseases; it's a wonder we are not all hypochondriacs. The more I read about them, the more I think I have every disorder under the sun. Maybe it's all in our head, or maybe we have a little bit off all of it stuck in that noggin of ours. Who am I to say...

But since this is a blog, I am forced to take an opinion or less I don't write at all. Today's topics are obsession and addiction. I believe the two go hand in hand so for the purpose of this blog, I am going to refer to them as one mental diseases.

On a personal note I have had my own bouts of hypochondria. I thought I had ADD, Dyslexia, General Stress Disorder, and more. Maybe I do have one or more of those things; maybe I don't. I assume I'll never really know because the definitions of theses mental illnesses are so fuzzy it seems hard to determine a real diagnosis.

But whether or not we have a "real" disease, we can all agree we suffer from addictive tendencies. With some people it is the obvious: cigarettes, alcohol, [illegal] drugs, and so on. Those sorts of things are easy to classify as "addictions." What I want to know is how many of you out there feel you suffer from what most people would call an "unhealthy obsession?"  Maybe I should back up and give you Webster's deffinition of the 2 words:

obsession: a persistent, disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

addiction: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

Okay, I admit there are many definitions for these words but I needed to start somewhere. So I think it is safe to say that an unreasonable idea/feeling about a preoccupation could be deemed a harmful substance by the user. Simple deduction here shows the similarities of obsession and addiction. But as always, I digress. My point here is not to prove the two words are to same but to express my concern that the term obsession is underestimated as a voluntary response why the term addiction is considered a serious mental affliction.

I hope that at least some of you out there understand where I'm coming from. I look at my current obsession and see it to be no different than any typical substance one might be addicted to. While a smoking addict may want I cigarette to calm him or her down, my obsession makes me refuse to let go of someone long past. The smoker doesn't want to quit because of the memory of the feeling the nicotine brings him or her. How is this any different than what I go through on a daily basis? Although some substances are said to be physically addictive, we all know that "non addictive" substances like marijuana are still addictive mentally, as can be so many of our daily obsessions.

Ultimately, where I'm going with this blog, is to justify that our obsessions are just as real and dangerous as our addictions. That if our obsessions are not treated (along with our addictions) we are likely to live a mentally unhealthy life. My biggest concern is that there is so much outreach for the addicts and not enough for the clinically obsessed. I encourage anyone brave enough to share their obsession(s) here in hopes of reaching out to others with a similar cause. You all know mine; refusal to let go of someone whom I felt truly connected. These obsessions may not be healthy but I have to think that at least admitting them gives us some sort of power to make over them. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. All I know is I can't sleep again cause I miss the person who illogically means the world to me. If that's not a persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful then I don't know what is.

"I'll never let go. I promise" - LC

If

Today I've been thinking again about love. What is the difference between loving someone and being in love? How can you tell the difference between being in love and wanting what you can't have? How are we to know? I don't like using my blog as a self promotion outlet for my own work but today is an exception. I really believe in this this "what if" concept and what it can do to one's sanity. Enjoy the poetry:


If..
9-3-06

When we were young we played make believe
We imagined whole worlds we had never seen.
But once we get older, as the rumor states,
This imaginative notion will slowly abate.

But I must disagree with the statement afore
As we get older our imaginations transform
Into what is known as adult fantasy
An exotic, romantic, soliloquy

The infamous If, a deadly sin,
Leaving you wondering what could have been.
If I had stayed, If I had gone..,
If I had jumped.., If I was wrong..
If only he knew, if only she knew,
If only I knew how much I loved you.

Fantasy makes living much more fun
Imagining what your existence might have become.
Taking you away from your mundane life
Rewriting it like a movie with action and strife.

You can choose your best friend, a side kick that's cool
A typical jokester, a jester, a fool.
You can pick your leading lady, sweet or sexy,
But someone you'd never be with in reality.

The infamous If, a deadly sin,
Leaving you wondering what could have been.
If I had stayed, If I had gone..,
If I had jumped.., If I was wrong..
If only he knew, if only she knew,
If only I knew whether I loved you

But life isn't like the movie we've dreamed
With car chases, gun fights, and sex scenes.
So as you are brought back into real time
You wonder if all your fantasies were genuine

The infamous If, a deadly sin,
Leaving you wondering what could have been.
If I had stayed, If I had gone..,
If I had jumped.., If I was wrong..
If only he knew, if only she knew,
If only I knew how I felt about you

Denial is not just a river in Africa

PREFACE: This blog is an investigation on applying factors of coping with death to factors of coping with loss. It is a little lengthy and very anecdotal, but I felt it was necessary to make a proper comparison. Please realize this before choosing to read. Thanks!

Death is a widely studied subject. Even my (stupid) college had a class on the subject ("Death as a Fact of Life"). Whether you learned it in psychology or religion class, the Stages of Grief are pretty standard: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. When dealing with a loss, I believe we go through these stages, although not necessarily in a simple, linear order. Also, I am NOT using the word loss as a synonym for death. Please make note of that fact.

I lost someone who knows how many days, months, years ago. My (ex) best friend and I always had a rocky, fair weather friendship. It got worse about 4 years ago when his girlfriend convinced him "being friends with a girl is wrong." We didn't speak for 6 months. This is where Stage 3: Bargaining comes into play. I called him right before I left for NYC. I told him I was willing to put aside everything because I wanted us to make up before I moved. Then again, bargains only work when both parties make good on their share.

Things went from awkward to good to quiet and so on for a while, but I guess there's always a calm before the storm. A year ago, he started displaying erratic behavior: excessive drinking, drugs, and partying. Rather than accept this new lifestyle of his, I chose to participate in Stage 1: Denial. I refused to believe it was really him and told myself it was just a stage his current (new) girlfriend was imposing on him. After another missed birthday (mine) and a "he said, she said" accusation on his part, I went into Stage 2: Anger. I screamed at him for the first time and told him where he could shove it. Obviously, we didn't speak again for 4 months.

I went to some therapy which made me really miss him so I tried to reconnect, this time there was no bargaining. Instead we just sort of denied the whole fight happened and went on like normal. That worked for less than a week before I realized denial really doesn't work. Soon he was back to his old ways of never calling me back and putting everyone (and their dog) over me. A quick bout of anger led into Stage 4: a long string of depression over the matter. But since I obviously don't learn, 7 months later I was back to Stage 3. I was so deep into Stage 4 I was willing to bargain my pride, morals, and soul just to have him back in my life. Unfortunately, a trade was impossibly because I had nothing of value to him [that is, nothing except seeing me in pain or dead, but that's another story].

It's been a couple months now and I'm trying to take steps toward Stage 5: Acceptance. But every time I think I am succeeding, I run across something that so strongly reminds me of him. Oddly enough, the feeling I got the other day from reliving the memory of the Met could not be found in any of these "Stages of Grief." A sadness, for sure, but not depression. If only you could imagine how it feels to miss someone like they're dead when they haven't really gone. Sometimes I tell myself he is dead, and that makes it somewhat easier. Maybe he really did die that Thanksgiving weekend. Maybe the only way to reach acceptance is to fully realize the boy I knew is gone and he is never coming back. That's not as easy to do when he's not really dead.

A quandary for thought.

If you can count, maybe you should have stopped at 10

So I was watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8" today (because I think Kate is so fricken weird and she cracks me up!) and after it's over this show "18 Kids and Counting" comes on. Well my first thought is "in this overpopulated world, where our carbon footprints are getting larger everyday, why the hell would you have 18 kids?" So, I figured I had to watch a bit of the show to see the gimmick. I mean, maybe they were all adopted which would be really sweet. Guess what? They're not. So this family (the Duggars) have 18 children ALL with the same first letter of their first name; Role Call: Joshua, Jana and John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah and Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace. So, in case the names like Jedidiah or Josiah didn't give it away, The Duggars are very conservative baptists. They believe in the Quiverfull Movement (yes it has a name) which states that you should not use any birth control and "allow God to determine the number of children you will have." These Arkansas parents, Michelle and Jim Bob, teach their 18 kids at home which promotes a horrible stigma about home schoolers. It portrays homeschool families as ignorant, very religious, and hicks. As you can imagine, this is something that quickly gets under my skin.

So if you're not too horrified to keep reading, let me discuss their lifestyle. All the children's Internet usage is heavily monitored, which may be more about control than than about safety. How can the kids learn about freedom when they aren't given any? But wait, it gets better, or worse in this case. As you would assume, the children are not allowed to date in the normal definition of the word. Instead, they go through what they call "courtship." Not only are they not allowed to even kiss before marriage, but they must have a chaperon for every meeting (even if they are adults).

Now don't get me wrong. I believe in the phrase "to each his own" and feel that Michelle and Jim Bob should live however they want. What worries me is the lack of "real world" experiences these children are receiving. I mean, you can lock a puppy up in a cage so he will never pee on the rug or get fleas, but is that really letting him live at all? When children are brought up in such an environment, they are not able to relize the lack of freedom they have. I wont go as far as to say it's brain washing, but I think it is a milder version. If a child is conditioned to be told everything they can do and not do, they don't know they are missing out on the choice. Hearing about courtships and marriages only approved by the dad, I'm reminded of "A Handmaiden's Tail." Have these families gone back in time or have they just never progressed? I completely understand living and raising your family based on religious based morals but does that require them to shelter their kids? What I don't understand is if they teach their children religion, why don't they trust them to use it to make their own decisions, such as marriage? If you trust God to decide how many children you will have, why does the child need permission to date someone from their Dad rather than the Heavenly Father? Seems like a hypocrisy to me.

Well, my head is spinning too much to write anymore so I am going to go lie down. Just talking about 18 children has worn me out.

Hipocrisy-a Real Soon

Hypocrisy: the act of being less critical of oneself than of others.

We all do it, but to what extent? Lately I've been thinking a lot about this topic. I apologize in advance (and give fair warning) this blog is more personal and less pop-culture than normal. Hmm..now where to start...

It was a dark and stormy night...no no
Once upon a time....not even close

Well then, lets start at the beginning. I have a history of being disappointed by people. Maybe it's because I think too much of them, maybe they don't live up to their potential, who knows. That's a whole other blog (been there, done that). My point is, I like to think I see the best possible person in people and, for better or worse, get brutally let down when they don't live up to my expectations.

I grew up with two brothers. I now only have one. Oh no, don't start sending me flowers in sympathy, the other one's not dead. He's just no longer in my life. This is because I have standards. I refuse to put up with people who live in their own head and only think about themselves. Now, don't get me wrong, I've given him time to grow and change; unfortunately, he thinks he's fine the way he is. In fact, my nickname for him is the prodigal son. This comes from the Biblical story illustrating how one son is forgiven no matter how horrible he is and is considered equal to the always loyal son. In case you're not getting it, you can guess who always identified with the "loyal son."

But this blog is not about my feelings toward the "Prodigal Son." What it is about is the continuous forgiveness no matter the trespasses. One of the only things I resent about my wonderful father is that he was always so quick to forgive him no matter how cruel his actions. I understood unconditional love, but not the concept of always "letting things slide." Or, at least I thought I didn't understand it. After much further investigation of myself, I have realized I am just as guilty as my father. Like father, like daughter.

My best friend in high school was my rock. He was the only one who understood me. Over the years..well..I guess life got in the way. I take that back..girls got in the way. "When Harry met Sally" poses the quintessential question: can men and women be friends? I've always said yes, but I have learned why it is so hard. But I digress...

It's been at least 4 years of this rocky "friendship" we have endured and every time it is his own actions that keep us from talking (oh my would he be steamed if he read me saying that..lol). But no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how unfair he is to me, I always reach back out to him. I always forgive his trespasses in a heartbeat (no pun intended) because I care about him with every fiber of my body. I forget how he made me feel for the last 6+ months and I welcome him with open arms. And yet, when my dad does this to my brother, I yell at him. Talk about hypocrisy.

So what's the moral of the story? Well it would be easy to say it's not to judge without looking first at yourself. Yet, I don't think it's that simple. We all have our crosses to bare but perhaps we all carry the same cross. What makes sense to one person may seem absurd to someone else. All I ask from my readers now is to find the similarity in others, rather than your differences.

"If only she knew..."

Resume the Position

OMG so my account says I haven't blogged since March 20th. That was just too long ago. Sorry to be out of things but I do have one small (lame) excuse: my computer is broken (hopefully only the charger) and so I have no Internet/MS Word access at my house right now. It's a lame excuse cause I could have just written the blog down with pen and paper ("what's that?") and then typed it up on a friend's computer or something. But hey, Earth Day is coming up so I'm going to stay green and not kill trees just to blog. LOL

Okay, now on to this week's serious point....

Every summer my job highers interns (this year unpaid interns). Last week my boss gave the department a copy of all the résumés and cover letters (electronically of course..no trees killed I promise) and asked us to evaluate the candidates. I have found this to be one of the most frustrating tasks I have had in a long time. Sadly, this is not because everyone is so great it's impossible to choose. It's not just that the applications are less than par. People illustrate the most idiotic things on their résumé and then expect to get hired. Lets go to the examples:

One person wrote this as their first two sentences of their cover letter:
"As a firm believer in the restorative power of the arts, I realize how artistic expression can be a vehicle for social justice. Therefore, I want to spend my life creating and facilitating an environment for theatre to flourish."
Do they realize this is an application for a Customer Service internship not an argumentative essay on the importance of music in school? Did they teach you the concept of over elevated language at your private college? *sigh*

I understand that I work for a performing arts organization but I seriously think these people do not read the description of the job they are applying to. If I have to read one more cover letter about "my love of performing, organizing shows, programming events...etc" I'm going to scream. Obviously, these people have no idea what customer service really means. But perhaps this is because they have no customer service experience. Oh no, wait, it gets better; Many of these people have no work experience AT ALL! One girl succeeded her cover letter with a piece of paper with the heading "Resume" (under her contact info) followed by a 1 & 1/2 page list of her vocal repertoire. That was it. No job history, no skills; just that she sang Puccini's "O mio babbino caro" and played "Maggie" in her high school production of "A Chorus Line." Genius!

Now this is what frustrates me more than anything else in the world. So many children go through high school and college without ever getting one ounce of job experience under their belt. They spend their school semesters and Summers partying or going abroad while ignoring the persevering work force. I know it's an unpaid internship but I refuse to let it slide that you've spent 4 years of high school and at least half of your time in college and never once held a job or even volunteered. A good employer wants people who can multitask and carry a lot on your plate at once. If you can't handle 15 credit hours of school AND a part time job than maybe you're not cut out to handle 5 customers screaming at you at once each about various unforeseen problems.

In this bad economy, the job market is more competitive than ever. Consequently, this means you have to work that much harder to make your résumé/cover letter picture perfect. I can't stand seeing 2 page résumés, cover letters with excessive/unnecessary commas, that useless "objective," and poorly written sentences like "...because I strongly feel to always support the arts." Please don't tell me you have a "career aspiration" of Art Administrations and yet you are a sophomore majoring in Architecture. As robots say "this does not compute."

They say your résumé is your calling card. If this is true, don't expect to get a call from me anytime soon. I think your application made my head explode. I'm going to take a Tylenol, I have a headache.