What Is Love?

When I graduated from college I was very depressed because I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I never lived the typical college experience. You know what I mean; ask anyone who went to the same school for four years. The dorm where you could walk down the hall and hang out in other people's rooms. The parties and the crazy occurrences. I wasn't made to experience those sorts of things. I wanted to go to school to learn. I wanted to minimize my costs by going to community college. I wanted to avoid all that immature behavior. Maybe I grew up too fast but I was the atypical college student. I thought I missed out.

I was over joyed this week to finally come to the realization that I had my own "college experience." It may have only been in the first couple years of my college career, but I had it, as different as it was. I had my two girls and our frequent parties. We had the random alcohol, the random people, the random hookups, and the random falling through electrical barbwire fences. Coming to this conclusion allowed me to finally be satisfied with my past; that maybe it wasn't typical but at least I was normal/lucky enough to have my own great "college time."

But today a new depression has plagued me. Even if I had it, it's over, never to be repeated. I never wanted to be one of those people who thought high school/college was the best years of our lives. But what if it really was? What if there is nothing left to look forward to? Sure there are always new adventures but somehow I think life jades us so much that we loose the magic that once resided in these times. In growing up we've lost a sense of our innocence that allowed us to fully enjoy those precious moments.

I think Haddaway had the right idea when they said: "Oh I don't know, Why you're not fair, I give you my love, But you don't care. So what is right and what is wrong, gimmie a sign. What is love?" Do any of us really understand what Love is? I know I love my friends and some of my family (the ones who are truly worth my love). But what about romantic love? How do we know if we've ever really experienced that? Or is it so existential that it's impossible to ever really know. Maybe that's what scares me more. My ex boyfriend told me he loved me then he broke up with me. After that he still tells me her loves me but also that he pitied me during our entire relationship. Is that really love? Does it make me too naive to want to think that the two cannot coexist? My friend's boyfriend said he loved her then he left her to go away to college then he broke up with her. Did he ever really love her? When did he stop? Did he stop? How does that really work? I guess that's the million dollar question. Shouldn't real love make you want to do whatever it takes to be with that person? Make geographical, emotional, and any other type of leaps necessary to be close to that person?

I'd like to think that I've experienced that kind of love in the past but I'm one of the many who has simply fallen out of love. I guess I believe that this happens but how do you know when you're in love again? I have come to the point where I am so used to saying "I love you" at the end of a conversation that I fear I can no longer tell the difference between habit and the real emotion. This is what is so hard about growing up; finally being intelligent enough to tell the difference. To be able to analyze your own actions enough to notice what is real and what is contrived out of need to fill a hole. Being intelligent only makes you realize how much you don't really understand . I think that might be the epitome of an oxymoron.

I sit here and try to think why love and fear are synonymous and I realize it is because, for better or for worse, we build it up to be the end all. "All you need is love" is what the Beatles taught us. So if we too quickly subscribe to love and it is not enough we are left dejected. "What is love? Baby, don't hurt me no more." We know how easy love turns into pain and rejection and if we are too quick to engage in it we will be left in utter ruins. Maybe life is meant to teach us the ultimate economic creed that the risk equals reward. But this concept is too philosophical for my already troubled mind.

Honestly, I don't have the answers, any answers, to anything. 4+ years in college and I still have no answers. But but maybe the point of college was to develop more questions. Food for thought.