What Is Love?

When I graduated from college I was very depressed because I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I never lived the typical college experience. You know what I mean; ask anyone who went to the same school for four years. The dorm where you could walk down the hall and hang out in other people's rooms. The parties and the crazy occurrences. I wasn't made to experience those sorts of things. I wanted to go to school to learn. I wanted to minimize my costs by going to community college. I wanted to avoid all that immature behavior. Maybe I grew up too fast but I was the atypical college student. I thought I missed out.

I was over joyed this week to finally come to the realization that I had my own "college experience." It may have only been in the first couple years of my college career, but I had it, as different as it was. I had my two girls and our frequent parties. We had the random alcohol, the random people, the random hookups, and the random falling through electrical barbwire fences. Coming to this conclusion allowed me to finally be satisfied with my past; that maybe it wasn't typical but at least I was normal/lucky enough to have my own great "college time."

But today a new depression has plagued me. Even if I had it, it's over, never to be repeated. I never wanted to be one of those people who thought high school/college was the best years of our lives. But what if it really was? What if there is nothing left to look forward to? Sure there are always new adventures but somehow I think life jades us so much that we loose the magic that once resided in these times. In growing up we've lost a sense of our innocence that allowed us to fully enjoy those precious moments.

I think Haddaway had the right idea when they said: "Oh I don't know, Why you're not fair, I give you my love, But you don't care. So what is right and what is wrong, gimmie a sign. What is love?" Do any of us really understand what Love is? I know I love my friends and some of my family (the ones who are truly worth my love). But what about romantic love? How do we know if we've ever really experienced that? Or is it so existential that it's impossible to ever really know. Maybe that's what scares me more. My ex boyfriend told me he loved me then he broke up with me. After that he still tells me her loves me but also that he pitied me during our entire relationship. Is that really love? Does it make me too naive to want to think that the two cannot coexist? My friend's boyfriend said he loved her then he left her to go away to college then he broke up with her. Did he ever really love her? When did he stop? Did he stop? How does that really work? I guess that's the million dollar question. Shouldn't real love make you want to do whatever it takes to be with that person? Make geographical, emotional, and any other type of leaps necessary to be close to that person?

I'd like to think that I've experienced that kind of love in the past but I'm one of the many who has simply fallen out of love. I guess I believe that this happens but how do you know when you're in love again? I have come to the point where I am so used to saying "I love you" at the end of a conversation that I fear I can no longer tell the difference between habit and the real emotion. This is what is so hard about growing up; finally being intelligent enough to tell the difference. To be able to analyze your own actions enough to notice what is real and what is contrived out of need to fill a hole. Being intelligent only makes you realize how much you don't really understand . I think that might be the epitome of an oxymoron.

I sit here and try to think why love and fear are synonymous and I realize it is because, for better or for worse, we build it up to be the end all. "All you need is love" is what the Beatles taught us. So if we too quickly subscribe to love and it is not enough we are left dejected. "What is love? Baby, don't hurt me no more." We know how easy love turns into pain and rejection and if we are too quick to engage in it we will be left in utter ruins. Maybe life is meant to teach us the ultimate economic creed that the risk equals reward. But this concept is too philosophical for my already troubled mind.

Honestly, I don't have the answers, any answers, to anything. 4+ years in college and I still have no answers. But but maybe the point of college was to develop more questions. Food for thought.

Going along with my last blog, I suppose this one is kind of about hypocrisy. In actuality, I think it is a case of lying. Not purposeful, mean spirited lying. Subconscious, "kidding yourself" kind of lying.

Let me start with the men. Men spend their lives ogling models in magazines. They are turned on by the rail thin ladies in print ads and movies. And yet, anytime their out on a date, they bitch about how the girl only orders a salad. Talk about unrealistic standards. They want us to be super skinny AND eat heartily like them. When girls mention Weight Watchers, Adkins, or any other diet, men grimace and act like they are being ridiculous. But when we can't fit into that size -1 jeans, we know they are glancing at that skinny girl across the room.

But guys are not the only ones with conflicting standards. Oh yes, we women do it, too. I did some research online as to the top traits women said they looked for in a man. the 3 that were most popular were intelligence, sense of humor, and sensitivity. Perhaps this is a case of social desirability bias. I mean, honestly, is this really what women are looking for or is it just what they this they are supposed to say?

It goes back to the saying "nice guys finish last." Girls say they want nice, sweet, sensitive men, but yet they always go for bad boys. Look at Hollywood movies; it often works out that way.

Han Solo: You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life.
Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

We all know Princess Leia fell for Han Solo because he was hansom, charismatic, and a cocky bad boy. Ok, so yeah, I just pulled out a Star Wars reference to prove my point, so what. You know it's true.

Men like thin girls; women like assholes. Can't we just admit this to the world and stop with all the bull shit. I mean who doesn't want a Han Solo or a Gisele Bundchen in their lives. I know I want both! But then again, this is not a personal ad.

Food for thought.

Hypocrisy, Democracy

So the title of this blog could work for a million and one topics; sorry to be so general. But who here DOESN'T hate hypocrisy? As far as I'm aware, hypocrisy annoys everyone. Apparently, democracy annoys everyone too because everyone seems to be fighting about it. So after the election I was elated. The US had progressed to having a African American president , and that is very exciting to me. Monumental, in fact. When Obama was announced, I was flooded with texts, e-mails, and Facebook communications. People all over the Internet, uniting in this memorable day in US History. I thought, wow, young people of the country are finally getting together and this is GREAT. But the next two days I found myself to be very mistaken. Everyone was fighting on the quad, in class, and even in choir. The McCain supporters said Obama supporters were sore winners, rubbing it in people's faces. The Obama supporters said McCain supporters were sore losers, threatening to go to move out of the country and all. I was devastated. Sure my candidate won, but all I really wanted was some unity. I don't remember it being this bad last time even with the multiple Bush fiasco. But maybe I was just too young.

Of course, none of this has to do hypocrisy, so I should hurry and get to my point before I digress further. I was looking through Facebook and found an old/ex friend, Peter*, had a joined a group called R.I.P. America. This is kid is known for his right-wing values, guns, racist/homophobic tendencies, and an overall love for "America." So, how does someone like that, join a group talking about how America is dead. Isn't THAT anti-American? I'm sure most Kerry/Gore supporters remember getting told they were anti-American for saying they hated Bush and what he did to this country. But yet, this McCain supporting group states:

"The US has died, because of Barack Obama. Our new president went to a white hating church for a decade! GREAT!! We just have to wait 4 years for a republican."

If that isn't anti-American, I don't know what is. So how can people like Peter spend their whole lives boasting about being such a great supporter of America, and yet as soon as things don't go their way they turn their backs. Typical.

I hope everyone understands that I don't think EVERY McCain or Obama supporter is acting this way. In fact, most are not and that's GREAT! It just saddens me that some people are still fighting, acting ignorant, or overall being close minded.

We are at a pivotal point in our Country's future. Why don't we get together and make the best of it. Honestly, like the band War said: "The color of your skin don't matter to me, As long as we can live in harmony. Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends..."

Okay, this is going to be a quick one (or a "quiche" one if you're George W. *joke*) but since it's Election Day I thought I'd say a few words. The voting process is a complex mix of standing in line, hanging chads, and, in the past 2 elections, disappointments. This country prides itself on the democratic process that gives every man (and later women) the right to vote. We get up early, search to find our polling center, go through a game of 20 questions to prove our identity, and then go behind a black curtain to cast our anonymous ballot. Okay, so the key word there was anonymous. What happened to the anonymity of the voting system? I log onto my Facebook (starting yesterday) and all I see is tons of Facebook statuses shouting at me that John Doe "is the 1,428,251st person to donate their status to get out the vote for [insert your candidate here] today. Donate yours: http://causes.com/election/" Now I'm not saying that it's wrong to tell your friends who you're voting for but I find it a little odd that you have NO opinion on the matter in everyday conversation but now you are pimping out your status on Facebook to promote your (new?) political beliefes. Seriously? Maybe I don't want to know what all my friends on Facebook are voting. Is anyone else worried this might unfairly affect other peoples decisions.?
I mean, it's one thing to make your status "I just voted, you should too" or even "Go Obama/McCain/Nader." But no, that wouldn't be pushy enough. Instead, everyone is signing up for a FB app that automatically updates their status 20 zillion times a day to remind the rest of us who you voted for. So now, when I pull up my news feed, I miss the important status of "Janie just had her baby girl!"* because everyone else has clogged the feed up with their nonsense.
Now I think ecounragement to vote is great, but does anyone here believe that Alice is going to turn on her FB and see that you voted for McCain and say "Oh my, I should do that too. I never thought of that. I must go right now."
Trust me I'm really, truely, honestly excited that so many young people are going out to vote. I just wish people wouldn't blast it all over my wall. You're making me feel bad for voting for..........oh you are not getting it out of me that easy. LOL

Happy Election Day everyone!

*Janie did not acctually have a baby. In fact I don't even know anyone named Janie, it was just a ficticous example to get my point across.

Conflict of Interest

Some people tell me I start drama. i don start drama, I cause conflict; there is a big difference. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not speaking of unnecessary conflict just for the sake of argument. I am writing about speaking out against the majority when others stay silent. Yes, I agree it's difficult but I'm not about what's easy. Someone has to stand up for the little guy.

In the past 6 months I have had a major change in my attitude. I was sick of letting people get away with saying horrible things just because I was too scared to "make waves." So yes, this causes conflict, but I think it is important to stand up for what you believe in. Causing conflict stirs things up and reminds people there are 2 sides to an issue.

Here is my Real Life Example

My International marketing teacher asked the class if we thought American Businesses exploit their workers in foreign markets. The 6 or so students who actually voiced their opinion all answered "no." Here is a simplified list of their main points:

• The only goal/function of businesses is to make money so who can blame them
• Why should we treat foreign employees better? Foreign countries wouldn't do the same for us.
• American businesses are treating their foreign employees better than the other (local) businesses so how is that exploitation.
• Why would the employees choose to work for American businesses if they weren't being treated well.
• The cost of living is less in these countries. Sure, we pay them $0.02 a day but that buys more for them then it does here.

I was one of two students who took a dissimilar approach. To make matters worse, my teacher then decided to tell the class his opinion. This, of course, was that we were not exploiting workers.

But I digress from my point. Although I was definitely the minority in that class, I was more concerned with the 80% of the class that was the silent majority. I'm sure most of them had no opinion so they jumped on the bandwagon of my teacher, but what about the few who agreed with me but were too shy to speak? What about the non-business/consumers whose voices didn't get the chance to be heard? So, yes, I created conflict in that class to stand up for what I thought was right. But I'd rather cause conflict then let one opinion be the only thing persuading the undecided. Even if I just made one person think twice about the subject, then I feel like the conflict was valid. At this point, that's all I can really hope for.

*On a Side Note*
This example is not drama. Drama is dragging me into a "he said/she said" fight involving a plethora of people. These debates do not involve intelligent facts but rather un-credible evidence to to try desperately to prove a pointless point. I left small town life to get away from drama. I cam to NYC to embrace the conflict of diversity.

But if you disagree with my blog, please leave me a comment. I'd love the conflict.

Between the Lines

So I got two comments in one day about how I haven't had a new blog in a while. Honestly, I was thinking no one was reading, but who knew. So I've had this one in my notebook for about a week now but never got around to typing it up (we all know who to blame for that one..lol). So here it is:

Between the Lines

"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you."

Does that lyric bother anybody else? I mean, Carly is talking to a vain person telling him she is not talking about him. Does anyone else see the catch 22?

days, I got in trouble with my excessive I've been thinking a lot about "reading between the lines." One time, back in my pre-facebookMyspace blogs. This kid I knew read the poems I posted and assumed/believed they were about him. He didn't ask me, he just decided I was still in love with him and he cut off contact with me. If he had taken a college level literature analysis class he would have learned that the writer and the speaker of a poem are not always the same. I know what you are thinking: "so were the poems about him?" They were a complex mix of emotions put into the only format that work, poetry. It would be ridiculous to say that the poems were about him, but I will say feelings he evoked from me did add to the mood and tone of the poems. But my friend saw what he wanted and stubbornly believed his interpretation was the only one that mattered.

So who's to blame? As easy as it would be to blame him, I think he problem is more broad.

He didn't believe me when I told him the truth: that I no longer had feelings for him. He didn't believe me because people rarely tell the truth anymore. People are not straight forward. Instead, they force us to read into their every word, hunting for subtle hints.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes the search for little meanings behind someones phrases can be a fun challenge; a mystery that makes life interesting. But overall, I think it just causes problems.

For example, my last boyfriend broke up with me because I was very up front with my feelings towards people. Even now, 3 months later, he is still being cryptic and inconsistent with his words.

So why does it have to be like this? I'm not saying you have to go up to your crush and say "I love you and worship you and I want to sleep with you every night." Obviously that's a little too blunt and I know most people are too shy for that. But, at the same time, if someone asks you a question, be honest instead of giving a political, cryptic answer. And on that same accord, you have to trust that what people tell you is the truth or else we'll never get anywhere.

Oh, and just to clarify, this blog is about you. You, yes you, no, not you, you over there.

Only Stupid People are Breeding

Okay, I know I just blogged but this one honestly cannot wait. It’s about my most discussed topic: idiocy among people and even more specifically, college students. As you know I LOVE my school and the smart kids there SO much (in case you don’t know me that was sarcasm).

Hmmm…where to start with today’s display of sheer inanity:

To start, kids in my class were asked by my teacher in 5 years, how much they would need to have in the bank to feel comfortable. The number started at $10 million and finally leveled off at a more realistic/reasonable figure of $20-30,000. Yes, I know some of these guys are just kidding but I’m not so sure about everyone else. I doubt even $30,000 is realistic for most of us after 5 years in the industry of course I’m sure some need that much to secure their designer clothes and handbags. Jeez. One girl even said, “When is more money not a good thing?” as her defense for why she needed $1 million in her bank account to feel comfortable. Honestly, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

But of course, what should I expect from a population where college kids still swear “I’m with Stupid ->” T-shirts. {No, seriously, I just saw one today and did a double take. I thought those were only seen on stereotypical frat guys on cheesy TV shows.}

But the idiocy gets worse. A Senior Marketing Seminar class is doing a project on the “green” trend. I first found out about this because an intelligent put a plea out on Facebook asking people to fit out a survey online. No biggie.

Today in class, a couple of girls were handing out the 3-page, single sided, printed survey. The first question was “Briefly describe what ‘environmentally friendly’ means to you.” I wanted to answer “something you obviously care nothing about. Kill enough trees today?”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not some budding green freak preaching about recycling. This is more of an issue of stupidity to me. I admit, if it had been a survey on anything else I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

To add to the stupidity, I overhear that these girls will have to take the returned paper copies of the survey and then take the online survey for each and every respondent. Not only are you killing trees in vain, but you are just creating more work for yourself while sending a very mixed message. If a real company ever handed me a paper survey on green efforts I would never do business with them again. I mean, who’s going to trust a company with just a mixed marketing message? Then again, I would like to think most big businesses are smarter than the kids I go to school with, even if they get good grades. Apparently no one grades them on common sense.

What has come of the education system? Thank gods I’m getting out in 6 weeks before it make me dumb, too.

It's All Fun and Games..Till Somone Gets Hurt

In my last blog, I briefly talked about men's competitive nature. Now I am fully realizing that everyone loves to play games. Now I'm a pretty open minded person but I really don't understand why so many people choose to play these silly dating game involving asinine rules. But you know me; I'm all about examples so lets look at a few:

Exhibit A.

Jane has a boyfriend, plus a guy she calls regularly, plus ex-boyfriends she also chats with. She expects each of these males to shower her with attention and gets angry when they mention other girls. So what game is Jane playing? She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. One guy is just not enough. She needs multiple guys to balance out her low self-esteem. I say: Drama Central.

Exhibit B.

Jack gets a girl's number. Instead of calling her, he focuses on how many days he should wait for the most desirable response. So he goes to the arbitrary rulebook and reads that there is a 3 day rule. OK, so who in the hell wrote this dating rule book cause I have a couple words for this guy (Yes, that's right, I assume it's a male cause its so ridiculous). Seriously, are we so dumb that we have to blindly follow a juvenile rulebook??

In a world with so much bull shit, why would I want to deal with any extra. I am imposed with rules everyday. At school there are rules on attendance, on grades, and even on premarital sex on campus (http://www.manhattan.edu/student_life/Manhattan_College_Student_Handbook_08.pdf). At work, the rules are in the form of maddening bureaucracy. So why do we feed into these archaic dating rules that just complicate our lives. Don't we have enough drama that we don't need to add to it by playing stupid games.

So please, next time you're thinking about what the "dating rule book" would say, just say no and pull out Monopoly. Trust me, you'll learn way more and piss of way less people... Unless you are playing against those competitive guys form my last blog. *sigh* Oh well, just trying to pass on my advice. Take it or leave it.

I'm going to go play Harvest Moon

Pretty Girl

So, you may not understand this blog unless you are a female, but I encourage you to read anyways because you might learn something.
So This weekend I gave 3 guys my number. So far no calls. That's okay, I wasn't expecting any. Let me explain:

Have you ever seen A Beautiful Mind? There is a wonderful scene which perfectly illustrates my point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JDoQb6A2YI

Ladies, have you ever been out with a female friend who is obviously the "hot" one. What is more frustrating than going out (parties, bars, etc) and having every guy not even give you the once over because they are drooling over your friend. Now don't get me wrong, I am in now way so self deprecating that I think I am ugly. In fact, other then my sharp increase in my weight, I think I'm an attractive girl; I got some curves going for me. But, unfortunately, an attractive girl isn't enough to get picked up, especially when you're with a very hot girl. So what hope do we have? I'm not going to change my friends, so I deal, right? But seriously, I think this is an issue we should make guys aware of. Adam Smith was wrong! It can me much more advantageous to go after the the (slightly) less attractive one. She's almost as hot, and will probably be way less self centered and more appreciative. Cause, I know most guys love sports but are they really up for that kind of competition? Hey, I'm the first to give the underdog male a chance. If you don't believe me, look at my ex-boyfriends. Maybe I'll get tat courtesy someday.
Here's looking at you kid

The War of Northern Aggression

***Disclaimer: This post is a vast generalization of culture in this country based on my limited but observant experiences across the US. It is not meant to be offensive, but merely a observation of unnecessary conflict. Please read with a funny bone in mind. Thank you*****

The War of Northern Aggression. Perhaps you have heard of it. It's more commonly known as the [American] Civil War and took place between 1861–1865. For those of you awesome AHS kids (go Cougars) who had Mr. Booher for American History, you may think it was just a war about slavery but that is still open to debate. But don't worry, this blog is not a history lesson or a discussion on the causes of the Civil War. Instead it is about a simple clash of culture.

In the wake of 9-11 we have experienced some very serious culture clashing between Americans and Middle Easterners. But what people forget is we've been having culture wars from the beginning. I'm sure you are all old enough to know that Thanksgiving wasn't a friendly feast between Native Americans and the English. But once again, I'm diverting from my main topic for today. North v South. A classic case of misunderstanding and a struggle for power.

So lets outline some of the differences that have plagued this horizontal division of the US.

The South is known for its "Southern Hospitality" but most people don't know exactly what that means. This means if you are driving down a side street and a stranger waves at you you better wave back or you will be a "Damn Yankee." It means if you are sitting next to a stranger on a bus they will talk your ear off about the most personal issues. Ok, so yes, they're friendly...sorta. I mean, no one can be THAT friendly all the time, right? So they make up for it by having a tendency toward gossip and talking behind peoples backs. Hey, no ones perfect, you just have to remember when that new girl you just met said she LOVED your shoes she was just being polite. Oh, and the South has the best comfort foods but they will make you fat in a heart beat, or else stop your heart by clogging your arteries.

On the other end of the spectrum, the North is a whole other ballgame. No really, they take Baseball way more serious up here. *note: Yankees, Mets, Red Socks, Philly's, etc (I mean the Braves just don't match up). Northerners tend to be more into Pro sports while the south is all about college sports (go ACC). As opposed to "Southern Hospitality" they have "Northern Honesty." This means that girl is going to take one look at your shoes and give you a 20 minute brutal lecture on how ugly they are. Oh, but it's nothing personal, I promise you. Northerners don't look one another in the eye, but rather avoid any human contact possible on a subway car.

Overall, Southerns are extremely proud of the past and their heritage (see Rebel Flag) which has a lot to do with agriculture and land (aka farming, hunting, etc). Northerners are about industry and the future. It's merely two different schools of thought. Southern houses are often only one level but are very spread out versus Northern houses which take up little ground space but have multiple stories. Southerns identify themselves as, well, Southerns, while Northerners define themselves as "Irish," "Italian," "Korean," etc.

But despite all of these so called "differences" there are a lot of things they have in common. We all have stupid, mean, or simply annoying people. Both the North and South have accents/dialects that are almost impossible for an outsider to understand (Mountaineer, Asian, Italian, etc). But the main thing both sides have in common is their superiority complex in thinking they are the better "half" of the United States. Seriously people, its been over 100 years and we are still having a culture war over whether "New Yorkers are snobby" or "South Carolinians are ignorant." Can't we just get past all this bull shit, band together and just agree that Scientology is a crazy cult religion. There's nothing like finding a third, weaker party to pick on to bring two sides of the fence together. Amen.

Memories, all alone in the moonlight

Today I forgot my ipod and found the walk to the subway rather pleasant allowing the thoughts to brew in my head. Here's what I was thinking about:

What do you call it when an event is too crazy to be reality but too normal to be a dream? People often say I should be a writer but I can only write about what I know. Unfortunately for me, my life is rather boring. Even what I consider to be my most exciting times are nothing more than a classic soap opera or, at best, just another episode of 90210 or Gossip Girls. This is unlike my cousin whose daily life is better than any show on television. Too bad I can't write about him; trust me, I tried.

But my real interest today is about memories. It is common knowledge that memories fade as time goes by. The day after a test it is a surprise if I remember any of the material. In the same accord, I'm sure most people can't remember what they had for breakfast two weeks ago. From a psychological point of view, importance of the memory has a lot to do with it.

Have you you ever had a dream that you remember so vividly when you wake up but by midday that dream seems to have dissipated from your mind? What's odd to me is when this happens with real events from the night before.

Let me set up a hypothetical for you:

You tell your friend a secret at night. You go to sleep. When you wake up you are reminded of this specific detail from last night. As the day goes on, the memory of telling that secret gets "fuzzy" and by the end of the day you wonder if it ever really happened. Perhaps you just dreamed it? Who knows.

End hypothetical

Has anyone else been through a similar scenario? I find it to be extremely frustrating. Obviously you rarely can ask people if your memory is correct because it is too embarrassing. So, instead, you must live out your day wondering what was real and what was merely a figment of your imagination.

What I do remember is how confident I am about specific memories the next morning. I have to trust myself that my recollection closest to the event is the correct one; even if this means unpleasant things really did happen. This is not a time for wishful thinking.

Just food for thought.
Don't forget that.